DEAR DIARY

sometimes I wonder if I went strictly homosexual out of embarrassment because being with girls as a boy makes me feel like this

and not in a fun way like you can't even salvage that one for me by dressing it up in humiliation kink 😬 I'll still play along if she wants me to because it's kinda hot to be uncomfortable during sex lol

there was always a mental barrier I couldnt clear anyway before the first time I actually ever got that far, so I dont think it's the ONLY reason for my gay era. I would always get these little crushes but if I had the chance to act on them and go on dates or do anything even chastely physical like holding hands or kissing it would just NOT click for some reason once it was happening so I kind of just gave up pursuing girl crushes for like 5 years.

to find out that I just straight up felt like a caveman touching woman boob for the first time.

I'm sure it could be unpacked and argued that I'm so thoroughly discourse-poisoned-by-exposure over like 12 years of forming my sense of self that I don't want to approximate anything close to "heterosexuality" and become violently uncomfortable with it on a subconscious level. But as-is, it feels more primal, like other dysphorias, and dysphoria is such a specific and familiar feeling. Likewise there's a sense of internal Correctness to being a woman with another woman that I dont think I could reproduce by consciously willing it into existence. In fact, historically, allowing myself to try on a role or label that I haven't spent months of my life testing for "validity" is VERY DIFFICULT for me lmfao! So, she's real because I say so